I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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