god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
