I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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