Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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