This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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