my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize