It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
