He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
