and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
