I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
