Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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