Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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