And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
