So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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