she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
