I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
