sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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