There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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