I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize