I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
