life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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