I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
