we're chasing vodka with high fives
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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