Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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