Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My vagina just clenched in fear
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
