I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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