You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize