this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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