He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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