No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
