I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
