If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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