you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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