I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Randomize
