I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
