you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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