I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
