Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
