I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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