I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
