I wish I could teleport
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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