I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
