dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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