bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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