guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
