Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
