I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
