Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
