Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
