The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize