Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
