did you get engaged???
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
