This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize