Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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