I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize