I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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