We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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