i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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