I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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