Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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