If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
