I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
