I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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