Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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