My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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