Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
