in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
