I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
